a turquoise flower

Overall, I thought this was a much better ep than "Lay Me Down", although that's not saying much because I still think everyone has been so wildly out of character so far this season. But I guess I should let it go because it is a new season and things have changed, and I can't expect them to remain the same characters. I acknowledge that, but I could still do without the stupidity that's been plaguing some of the characters.

The trouble of the week was very cool, though. Terrifying, but cool. And I love that Audrey/Nathan have consummated their relationship. Yayyy! After three long seasons of UST, it's about damn time. And 'm so happy about Duke/Jennifer too.

Still sad about Jordan being gone. Vince and Dave continue to be the best thing about Haven, imho. I wish we could find out if they're Troubled or not.

I'm behind on Elementary and Castle, and might not get caught up until next week. The last two weeks have just been essays, essays, essays, midterm, and one more essay due this Tuesday so that's all my head could handle.

~*~

I was the only younger looking person at the Q&A at the O'Brien Poetry Event Friday featuring Charles Simic. It made me feel extremely self-conscious, but I got through it.

The bad news is I left before I got an autograph, but it's okay. It was just great seeing him speak and read. I brought a new book of his poetry at Longfellows, which is what screwed me from buying a pre-autographed book they had at the event. I guess I'll just chalk this up to a learning experience, and not berate myself.


( a poem )

"The Madness Vase" 
Andrea Gibson

The nutritionist said I should eat root vegetables.
Said if I could get down thirteen turnips a day
I would be grounded, rooted.
Said my head would not keep flying away
to where the darkness lives.

The psychic told me my heart carries too much weight.
Said for twenty dollars she’d tell me what to do.
I handed her the twenty. She said, “Stop worrying, darling.
You will find a good man soon.”

The first psycho therapist told me to spend
three hours each day sitting in a dark closet
with my eyes closed and ears plugged.
I tried it once but couldn’t stop thinking
about how gay it was to be sitting in the closet.

The yogi told me to stretch everything but the truth.
Said to focus on the out breath. Said everyone finds happiness
when they care more about what they give
than what they get.

The pharmacist said, “Lexapro, Lamicatl, Lithium, Xanax.”

The doctor said an anti-psychotic might help me
forget what the trauma said.

The trauma said, “Don’t write these poems.
Nobody wants to hear you cry
about the grief inside your bones.”

But my bones said, “Tyler Clementi jumped
from the George Washington Bridge
into the Hudson River convinced
he was entirely alone.”

My bones said, “Write the poems.”

~*~


Welp...that's it. Rejected for the second time for the Nursing program. What the hell is wrong with me? Why won't they accept me?

(I know I updated yesterday, but, man, is this getting to be a stressful month and I just need somewhere to vent.)

- So, upon the tragic death of Dr. N, we didn't have class Monday or Tuesday of this week - neither the lab nor the lecture - and today was our first return to the lecture classroom since we heard about his death. And everybody is pretty much up in arms because here we are, a week before we have to take both the lecture and lab final on a very hard subject, and we didn't cover all the material (we were close to it but we didn't finish) and so we're like floundering fish on dry land.

The difficulty is no one knows what's happening now or how we can continue the normalcy for the short time we have left of microbiology. We have a professor come in - a very close friend of Dr. N's - who told us of Dr. N's death and who's going to be teaching the last few classes there are left. But while he was a very good friend of Dr. N's and knows pretty much a good portion of what Dr. N's system was, the truth of it is that he is NOT Dr. N. And therein lies the problem and hardships.

But apparently everyone else was like, "We pay money to go here, and this is not acceptable. There should be a procedure in place for when something like this happens and blah blah yadda yadda ya." God, like all these people can think about is money and I get that it's before finals week and everyone's stressed and we're all freaking out and this is college and not free education but god, again, the world is not just about us. But we are apparently a very selfish species.

- And I apparently need an English adviser. Frick. (Well, to be fair, Rodney did tell me this when I told him I wanted to pick a major, so it's not like it's surprising but I was hoping if I pretended to not know, it'd go away. Hint: it hasn't - they just e-mail you). I'm so not good at talking to professors - or ANYBODY for that matter.

- I had an extra cup of coffee today because I'm apparently useless after 10 pm and just pass out because my body apparently hates me and I can't stay up past midnight anymore. I have no idea what that is about. Except now I'm jittery and like I want to run a marathon; I am sure the crash will happen soon-ish and I will pass out and not finish studying and that will make me feel guilty in the morning. And I've been making flashcards since about five pm this afternoon and just for one class AND IT IS NEVER ENDING. SERIOUSLY IT WILL NEVER END AND I WILL LOSE WHAT'S LEFT OF MY SANITY.

So in conclusion: ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*MORE FRUSTRATED CRIES*

bullet list!

• I really need to write porn. Why does writing fail me at such an awesome time?
• Some "The Vampire Diaries" spoilers. Most of the things they spoil I could've predicted already. And some of the things they spoil, I wish wouldn't turn out true. Like that Stefan spoiler in particular. Didn't they already do that?
• After avoiding "Smallville" for ten years, I'm totally hooked now. Reading summaries like these and catching up on the show is not helping. And I mostly watch just for two characters - Oliver and Chloe. Chloe, I know has been with the show since the beginning but she's been absent for most of the last season because the actress, Allison Mack, has other commitments and she's only going to be in five episodes for the last season which is sucky. Oliver is the Green Arrow in both the comics and the show and he's such a fascinating character because he's the only superhero on the show who doesn't have a superpower beyond just his human strength and agility. But really, I love all the characters and the guest stars that appear. I came for the Chloe/Oliver but I stay for the Lois/Clark, and Martha Kent and Tess Mercer and Emil the Doctor and Cyborg and Aquaman and Impulse and just gah. I know the fandom though is such an explosive place and I'm shocked at the hate that is sometimes heaped on Clark, who is the main character and therefore does get the major plot lines and the most screen time so y'know I understand that minor characters often get shafted and that's just how it goes with a show like this that brings in a lot of characters and plot lines but that is only a 40-minute show (60-minute if seen live).
• School started last Tuesday and so far it's going great. I vowed to actually really buckle down and study and it's been going great. The trick is to not turn on this blasted laptop until I've finished everything and it actually works. So now I'd really like to make the Dean's list - at least for one semester - that'd be lovely.
• I also mailed the application to the Nursing program at my uni and now I just have to wait, which is killing me. I have no idea if they'll send me a letter if they reject me or what or how long it'll take them to go through everything and reject or accept me and let me know. I told myself I wasn't going to obsess over it and whatever happens will happen but, ugh, just the wait is killing me.

I've been feeling kind of blah, lately.

I hope I'm not getting a bug or something. Mom is scheduling a physical exam for me soon, and I have to get a nutrionist soon. And have to hopefully check that everything else is okay with me because I've been feeling sort of irregular and I haven't had my period in about three months, so I'm kind of worried about that.

My menstrual cycle has been irregular before, but it has usually shown up by this time.

I've become a hypochondriac. It's so weird, usually I dismiss everything that's wrong with me as being minor and everything, but now it's just getting me depressed.

School is, ironically, going better than ever. (Of course that's because it is the only thing that I've allowed to eat my brain for weeks.) I'm even happy about my math grade (dude, a ninety...I hardly ever get those in algebra).

------

re: Hana Yori Dango live-action movie

I can't properly express my happiness right now...

Makino and Doumyouji, chase around the world??

------

Going to go back now and try to study without passing out and definitely try to not get stressed over everything, because that makes things even worse for me.

Easier said than done, though.

Geometry has got to be the most vapid subject on this planet. I'm really starting to dread it now because it's not that exciting. And it just happens to be my luck that I'm good at it. Geometry is a pretty easy subject for me, but, oh, so dull! I seriously just want to sleep when I have to learn about it, which never happens to me. I still dread algebra because it makes me want to shoot myself. 

~*~*~*~*

I started reading Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet today. The book was just kind of there in my room, and I had no idea how it got there. (I found out later from Dad that one of Mom's patients gave it to her, and she tends to dump literature she gets my way). It's interesting. But I feel like it's a bit too religious for me since it does talk about God, and religion just makes me feel uneasy. It's not that I necessarily don't believe in God, it's just that it makes me so confused and so I've just decided to avoid it all together (and by that, I mean that I'm just going to take my time figuring out my beliefs here, and not have it be a big deal than it alread is).

I love his language though, and how he writes very fundamental ideas, at least for me, and makes them seem so complicated. I have to tread through it a bit to understand it. It all seems very interpretive and well, I just don't seem to do well with interpretive things. Declarative information, on the other hand, I store mindlessly. And it's a story that reads like a poem, and I always like those.

I've also checked out the first volumes of MARS and Paradise Kiss, and the three volumes of Rebound. I've really gotten into MARS, but Paradise Kiss and Rebound are just not holding my interest that much. I don't know if the library has any other volumes of MARS though. I've only seen the first volume, and I so desperately want to read the others. SOMEDAY, I am going to be able to buy my own manga and not complain about reading it through the astrocious system that is the public library. Someday, I swear. Then we'll see if I ever emerge from my obsession and actually have a life.

Nothing too exciting happening here. PSAT's are coming on Oct.18. Gotta study for that and I have two labs I have to do for Bio. All of my other classes are pretty easy. Just homework that doesn't take too long to do, thank godness.

Before I forget to ask, does anyone know where to download bittorrent software? I browsed around download.com, but for some reason my server wouldn't let me download it. It sent me to a 'third party download site'. But then that still didn't work. I was just wondering if there was anywhere else to download it. If not, I guess I'll just have to keep trying.

It's amazing how far technology has come over the years, and yet it still doesn't always work; I guess nothing really can be perfect.

Older brother coming home from the Navy tomorrow. Will have to go pick him up and then off to work. I can also say goodbye to the computer for the eight days he's here. Seriously, I need to get my own computer. Brothers hog them like lifesavers.

But I'm excited he's coming. I haven't seem him in *counts fingers* about seven months.

After Christmas Break is over in December though, school will be tough. Midterms are gonna come January 24th. And they'll be over in four days, which is pretty great. But my first midterm will be Algebra. My worst subject. It's so funny that I'm a great student in all of my other classes execept in the one class I'll be needing my whole life. It sucks to be me. I really wish I was a math genuis like my twin brother. He currently has an A in Algebra and I have a D-. But I'm a great English student and he's having trouble in that class, just like I'm having trouble with Algebra.

And the second semester begins Jan.30th, which means all new elective classes. But lucky for me I only have one elective.

Yep, January will be a busy month. But I think I can handle it.

( [Quiz] How Should I Improve For 2006? )