a turquoise flower

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The problem is I am an awesome English/Humanities student, rocking out A's and B's like it's no thing (not to sound like I'm bragging or anything because most of the time I am more self-deprecatory than anything), making me the perfect candidate for the English major. The OTHER problem is that I am a sucky Science student, making me a not-so perfect candidate for the Nursing major.

I just really have to ask myself is all this worth it? Am I doing this for the right reasons and not because it's something my parents envision for me? I honestly have no answer for this question. They believe in me so strongly and I need this especially now when I don't believe in myself. It's not that I abhor the sciences, I'm just not good at them; they don't come as easily to me as the Humanities stuff. But that shouldn't mean I shouldn't try my hardest to try to be successful at them.

So that's where we are.

"The Madness Vase" 
Andrea Gibson

The nutritionist said I should eat root vegetables.
Said if I could get down thirteen turnips a day
I would be grounded, rooted.
Said my head would not keep flying away
to where the darkness lives.

The psychic told me my heart carries too much weight.
Said for twenty dollars she’d tell me what to do.
I handed her the twenty. She said, “Stop worrying, darling.
You will find a good man soon.”

The first psycho therapist told me to spend
three hours each day sitting in a dark closet
with my eyes closed and ears plugged.
I tried it once but couldn’t stop thinking
about how gay it was to be sitting in the closet.

The yogi told me to stretch everything but the truth.
Said to focus on the out breath. Said everyone finds happiness
when they care more about what they give
than what they get.

The pharmacist said, “Lexapro, Lamicatl, Lithium, Xanax.”

The doctor said an anti-psychotic might help me
forget what the trauma said.

The trauma said, “Don’t write these poems.
Nobody wants to hear you cry
about the grief inside your bones.”

But my bones said, “Tyler Clementi jumped
from the George Washington Bridge
into the Hudson River convinced
he was entirely alone.”

My bones said, “Write the poems.”

~*~


Welp...that's it. Rejected for the second time for the Nursing program. What the hell is wrong with me? Why won't they accept me?

I feel like staying up past 5 a.m. engrossed in watching Power Rangers on youtube is bordering on Not A Smart Idea.

In case you wanted to know one of my many, many guilty pleasures.

And it's not like I like PR for its cheesiness and what are clearly toys. But it's the characters. Who are surprisingly hot for being in a kids' show.

I have no idea.

Is it time for sleep yet?

/no point to any of this; and am not drunk. so I don't even have that for an excuse.

I have no morning classes this semester which is yay!!! I have packed three in one day (Thursday) though but I can handle three classes once a week. NO. MORNING. CLASSES. I'm just gonna let that sink in for a bit.

So most classes are English (and one Bio lab class that I *should've* taken with the Bio class my freshman year but I was a dunce then, didn't know that most science classes consisted of a lab + lecture component) and this other class (something called Ocean Planet, I have no idea what it's about but it was the only open class that meshed with my schedule) I took just because the parents are making me take five classes to be considered a full time student. Taking five English classes in one semester is not smart so I needed a bit of variety for the two classes that aren't going toward my (new) major. (One of the English classes is Creative Writing so that might just leave two hard classes with a lot of reading/assignments. Another is Intro to Literary Studies and another is Poetry - the genre.)

Of course classes start today and I still haven't picked up my books. I was going to go Friday but then we experienced a mini blizzard and I just opted for staying inside and lazying on the couch. I'll go after my one class today and then I wanted to buy one or two new books just for leisure reading but I have to order them - don't think this particular bookstore will have them in stock there already - so I have no idea when I'll pick those up (assuming they order them for me).

~*~

a seasonal meme that I should've posted way before this:



and this popular meme that's going around:

Pick up the nearest book to you.
Turn to page 45.
The first sentence describes your sex life in 2012.

"It was, of course, a ridiculous idea that Mr. Darnay would not notice whether she was there or not - Sue chuckled over it herself at the time - but she found, as the day wore on, that her idea was not very far from the sober truth."

In context, this quote is oddly appropriate for my sex life in 2012.

So a few weeks ago when I went to see my adviser to pick out my classes for next semester, I also, spontaneously decided to pick my major. Because it was time, seeing as I'm in my junior year of undergrad and well, I've already finished the core requirements and most of the prerequisites for Nursing (there's one that I haven't taken that's called like Concepts in Nursing Research or whatever...which, blahhhhhhhhh research. The bane of my existence. Might take that next fall).

So, anyways, I decided that I was going to choose English as my major. And Holistic health as a minor. But I really wish I could've chosen Holistic health as a major and English as a minor or...but whatever this will do.

But, hold on, you're thinking to yourself (or at least that's what you do in my head), didn't you want to be a Nursing major?

Well, yes, yes, I did.

AND I'M TOTALLY NOT GIVING UP ON BEING A NURSE. Because now that it's, like, actually TOUGH as nails to get in, I've decided that my calling - the one thing that will make my LIFE SO INFINITELY HAPPIER and WHICH WILL GIVE ME A HIGHER PURPOSE ON THIS EARTH THAN SLEEPING IN LATE AND BUMMING AROUND LIKE A...BUMMER-LIKE PERSON - IS TO BE A PEDIATRICS NURSE (OR A NURSE OF ANYTHING WILL DO). And I'm not giving up on this dream, but while I reapply to USM's nursing program and sit on my thumbs while they dangle my fate in their hands, I'm just gonna think about getting a degree in English. Because I like English. I'm a book worm (even if...um, the last time I read a book for fun was something Meg Cabot-related and I speed-read through it because my mind has been high-jacked by important medical textbook reading) and English was always my best/favorite class in grade school.

So, y'know, even if getting an English degree was like plan...H, I'm gonna go ahead and see what happens on that front. (Or maybe I'll initiate my plan B - which is to try to get accepted to another school's Nursing program even if I have to move away and become a transfer student...but that's not something I'm ready for yet. And I don't have to think about Plan B until like April - when, again, USM School of Nursing decides if they want to rip out my heart and stomp on it.)

(My parents...bless them..were like, "so what can you do with an English degree?" I feel like that's what they're gonna be asking me for the rest of my life.)

Sigh. Well, that was long and rambly.

Gosh, I hate summer. And not just for its stifling heat, but for the odd moods it brings out in me. Some people get depressed in the winter, I, on the other hand being the contradictory person I like to be, get depressed in the summer.

I've also been thinking about returning back to all the awesome land comms I quit some months ago. But that would actually entail that I become active/sociable again, and I don't think I'm quite up to it (see above: summer depression).

I dunno. I just feel like I'm in a bad place right now because the future is so uncertain and I'm feeling anxious and like I'm doing nothing with my life because I am, LITERALLY, doing nothing.

The only bright spot is I've become so immersed in catching up in my reading of books and comics and my writing that hopefully that'll give me something else to dwell on besides these awful feelings tumbling inside me.

Meh.

Cry moar, self, I know. -_-

So I went to my local comic store again today and shamelessly spent a lot more money on more comics. (Self-control, I haz it not but thankfully, there was a $26 discount in there so I didn't end up spending as much as I would've without the discounts.) I brought Spider-Woman: Origin, The Amazing Spider-Man: Secret Invasion, Young Avengers: Family Matters (which is a compilation of issues #7-#12 and Young Avengers Special #1 - of course I'd have loved to get the beginning issues too, but the store didn't have them so will keep a lookout on them), and What If? Secret Wars #1, which is a compilation of Captain America: Fallen Son, House of M, Spider-Man: Back in Black, Newer FF, and Young Avengers/Runaways and answers such questions as what if Doctor Doom kept the Beyonder's power? What if Iron Man had died instead of Captain America? What if the Scarlet Witch had said, "No more powers" instead of "No more mutants?" What if Mary Jane was shot instead of Aunt May? What if the new Fantastic Four stayed together as a group? And finally, what if the Runaways became the Young Avengers?" Which is all YAY and makes me ^__________^ and *____________*.

Still didn't get to buy Abandon by Meg Cabot, but the store ordered it for me and will be here by Wednesday so hopefully will have it in my possession by then.

It's kinda funny that I've just been buying Marvel stuff. I didn't intend for it to end up like that intentionally, it's just all the characters I've been interested in have been from titles that Marvel's published (X-Factor, Runaways, Young Avengers, Spider-Man, and the Fantastic Four, once I figure out where I want to start with them - not from the beginning, LOL) but I totally do want some DC titles too and have been meaning to check out Birds of Prey, not just because it's a DC title but it's primarily focused on female superheroes, which, HELLO, YAYNESS. (And Batgirl sounds awesome too. And of course Batman and Superman titles would be awesome to get into too but Batman & Superman have been around relatively a lot longer than Batgirl or Birds of Prey. Batgirl didn't appear as a character until '61 whereas Batman's been around since the late 30s.)

There were also some Tiny Titans issues I've been thinking about buying some day because they're all just so cute! And I've read the Tiny Titans: Sidekickin' It trade back before and it was so funny and witty for an all-ages comics. (And I find it funny that in Tiny Titans, Slade is the principal of their side-kick school and Darkseid is the janitor/whatever-else-Slade-wants-him-to-be, especially because in the DC continuity verse, Slade and Darkseid are very evil and creepy but Tiny Titans does even say in its comic that it's not part of the continuity so it really should be enjoyed for its adorableness - which I have no problem with.)

~*~

After attending my brother's fiancée's graduation on Saturday, we (my brothers, my brother's fiancee, and her mother, who I incidentally met for the first time on Saturday) all went out to lunch to Kons Asian Bistro, where I had the filet mignon and shrimp combo - because I absolutely love shrimp, seriously my love for shrimp knows no bounds, I wish I could eat it everyday - and they all had a combination of chicken, salmon, and filet mignon too. And of course we got some combo of vegetables and hibachi fried rice. It's always awesome to have a hibachi table and be entertained while waiting for the food.

So it was a good week. And I finished my second year of undergraduate college last Wednesday too.

~*~

And will end this post with the awesome Tiny Titans: Sidekickin' It cover:

...or alternatively happy Single Awareness Day! (I don't know why you'd *say* happy Single Awareness Day but that is what they say, isn't it?)

So finished a story last night. I'm not sure if I'm too happy with it. I was ecstatic to write it because it's a new fandom (well, new for me). I have no idea why I have the big Smallville bug right now but Chloe/Oliver is just too cute.

Also the mods over at teamatlantis are just the biggest sweethearts ever! ♥♥



(If you ever need to know how to win me over...just mention dolphins and have Jason Momoa and Joe Flanigan pose together in huggles. ♥ I'll be yours for all time.)

I'm in a surprisingly good mood considering my big A&P test in less than an hour. (I studied though! I so totally studied and memorized all my flashcards that I needed to! Didn't get to go over all the slides again but eh...most things that will be on the test were on the flashcards already...I hope.)

Man, am I tired today. And it's not even midnight yet! What I wouldn't give to not love sleep so much and actually be productive while I'm supposed to be sleeping, instead of just not being productive at all.

And just so you all know, closetd0rk is really, really pretty in real life. And awesome and stuffies. And yeah. <33333

*tries to go back to her studying*